How I missed my window
...because of Fear
During my pregnancy, one of the most challenging thoughts to wrap my brain around (besides literally growing a whole human being oO), was that my life will fundamentally change, that the chapters of „young wild and free Sunshine“ had come to an end. And I will not lie and sugarcoat it, that was a hard pill for me to swallow and I wish more mothers would talk about that part instead of covering their lost dreams in silence.
Before Sunshinegoldenchild there was the era of Sunshinetravelista. A young woman who fiercely chased her wildest desires and took on her mission to travel the world.
During my travels through +30 countries, I saw my „purpose“ being born. I found myself connecting to my spirit, being able to „hear myself“ again and began slowly peeling back those layers of my soul that had been untouched for way too many years.
I started my work around self-love and self-empowerment, created a blog where I shared my newfound voice through writing that inspired more than 23.000 monthly readers worldwide, most of them women.
These women also became the „why“ for my new passion. The messages with stories and testimonials I received were so heartfelt and real, I began seeing that everything was beginning to fall into place and to make sense. I was on a roll!
I fell in love with this „new me“ - she moves through life so lightly and yet leaves such deep impacts on other people's lives, inspiring them to dream bigger.
But after a while, I began feeling like a fraud - because what I hid from my blog was the fact that I wasn´t a fulltime travelista, that I wasn´t making enough money on the road to sustain the lifestyle of a global vagabond. That after every trip I returned home - to Germany - and to my boring 9 to 5, my comfortable apartment and my dull life. Dull but safe.
So, I limited „living life to the fullest“ mentality only to those few months out of my years where I was traveling. Every time I came back from my trips I just fell back into „that place“, which describes rather a space of mind than a physical place, where I felt stifled in my creativity and my connection to Self felt blocked.
Then there came a time, it was after my trip to Jamaica, where I realized that living „safe“ was no longer an option for me because all I did was living „small“ and saving all my money to then take trips abroad, far away from home, to then live a freer life, with less social restrictions and more authenticity to my soul and YES they grew and saturated a big part of me BUT at the same time, those trips were bound to my vacation days and therefore always came to an end.
But I wanted the real deal.
So I finally felt the courage that would allow me to make a shift in my living to move closer into alignment with my being, my true Self, and I was determined to take an unpaid leave of my job, sublease my apartment and move to the Caribbean.
... But even though I felt sure about it being the right thing for me to do, something - the FEAR of „when taking a leap of faith goes wrong“ - held me back, I wasn´t fully committed and I decided to take „one last trip“, which was going to be my greatest up to date, to the home country of my father, Trinidad.
It was going to be the first time I returned to the island as a grown woman, solo traveling, ready to bust a whine in the world-famous carnival. 2016 was going to be the year, when Sunshinetravelista was going to play mas, for her first time, dressed up in feathers and dipped in glitters, freeing up her body under the hot Caribbean sun.
That´s when I met my future husband. - Ohhhh, do you see how the plot thickens?!
We fell in love, head over heels, traveled back and forth and finally decided to end the long-distance mess and move in with each other and start a family. Because the one thing that I always wanted more than traveling the world, than anything else actually, was having a family of my own and break down the generational curses on which I was raised on.
Funny enough, I urged him to move to Germany instead of me moving to Trinidad, which would have been the life in the Caribbean I originally said I wanted, but yet again, I allowed the fear and doubts of „what if we fall into poverty, how to provide for our family... at least here I´ve got my good and safe life“ to cloud my judgment and so I chickened out - again.
I got pregnant two months after we moved in with each other and my whole focus shifted onto preparing for this new stage of my life that I was going to transition into. I mean, I wanted to be a mommy so bad for all these years and now it was really becoming true.
But after months of taking full advantage of uninterrupted bliss with my sweet newborn baby girl, I felt these nagging thoughts of „what IF“s creep up and I began playing around with the thought of „can being a mother and a being artist go together “, is there maybe another lane I could take to still spread my message and have my voice to being heard?
What is with my „why“ - these amazing women, my sisters, my community? Do I just give up on them?
I began following a lot of these amazing modern-day matriarchs“ online and they became walking examples to me and I let go of my limiting beliefs.
I decided I no longer want to dwell on „what could have been...“ and take accountability and accept that my I indeed missed my window BUT there was a lesson to be learned which was „when you want something - do it - don´t ever allow fear to stop you“.
And then I discovered the fabulous truth to „when one door shuts another one opens“ and I reinvented myself as a writer, published a book and now lead women´s circles in my city and built myself an online village of amazing women who became my new tribe. We inspire each other and I now feel my work reaching new heights of intimacy, not because I am so specially gifted but because of my vulnerability of the human experience and they feed off of my truth that I am sharing so openly. The feedback I´m getting makes me feel so reaffirmed in my purpose and for that I know I am back on the right track.
The moral of the story is to always keep your heart open and allow yourself to at any point in time to rewrite your story and hit them with a plot twist.